Diana Boggia: Problems with potty training, part 1

I recently received two letters with similar concerns, so I am addressing them together. This may be an “X-rated” column for some readers because of the graphic content; however bowel control or bowel withholding are fairly common among young children.

Dear Diana,

I have a lovely, intelligent 31⁄2-year-old grandson.

He was very easy to potty train and seldom has accidents, but he will not poop in the pot. I am worried that his parents have now put too much emphasis on it because he will go into another room and poop in his pants.

They have tried rewards, witholding things and all manner of that, but he will say, “I will do it when I am older.”

My daughter is very frustrated and does not know what else to do.

— Concerned Grandmother

Dear Diana,

I have a 4-year-old son that is refusing to have a bowel movement on the potty. For several years, we have had problems with him holding his bowels. He takes Miralax and Fiber Gummies on a daily basis. He will hold a BM until he is put in a pull-up at night or will go in his underwear during the day.

I have asked him why he won’t go on the potty and his response is that “he doesn’t want to.” Whenever we find that he is trying to go in his pants, we try and convince him to go sit on the potty.

We have tried EVERYTHING!!!! We have given rewards for the few times he has gone on the potty and when he goes in his pants, we take a favorite toy and put it in a “timeout” on top of our fridge for the day. Neither reward nor timeout is working.

My mother keeps reassuring me that he will eventually do it, but my husband and I are really frustrated.

My son’s pediatrician says that this is common for children to hold BMs during potty training, especially if they’ve had a painful bowel movement episode.

We would appreciate any advice/help on this matter.

— Desperate Mom

Thank you both for writing on this topic, as I am certain that so many others share your concerns.

Children have total control over three bodily functions; eating (we cannot force food into our child), sleeping (we cannot make our child sleep) and toileting (we cannot force any results on the toilet).

When a child recognizes his control through lots of attention, he will continue that behavior until he no longer receives the attention or loses his audience. In most cases, neither positives (bribery) nor negatives (punishments, yelling, taking away) will change the behavior, because nothing is as important as the power he holds with his body.

There can be serious medical effects if a child refuses to eat or drink (malnutrition or dehydration). Toileting empowerment can evolve into bowel withholding (physical control that leads to constipation), requiring a child to be hospitalized for “elimination” because of impacting and pressure on organs. Discussion with your pediatrician is critical to eliminate constipation as a factor.

Hiding in a corner to “eliminate” is fairly common. If humiliated while using a quiet corner, a child may begin to withhold.

Children do not view their bowels as we do. It is important to know that when being trained, some children have a difficult time using a toilet because they feel a piece of them is being flushed. They need to become comfortable with flushing, and take ownership for their bodily functions. With tremendous dedication and lots of love, you can learn to implement a very successful strategy, which we will print here next week.

Diana Boggia, M.Ed., is a parenting educator in Stark County, Ohio, whose column appears weekly in The Repository. Send your child-rearing questions to FamilyMatters@cantonrep.com or The Repository, c/o Family Matters, 500 Market Ave. S, Canton OH 44702.