Once again Father’s Day is upon us. You may approach dear old dad, and inquire, “Gee, dad, what can I get you for Father’s Day?”
Once again Father’s Day is upon us.
You may approach dear old dad, and inquire, “Gee, dad, what can I get you for Father’s Day?”
That silver-haired gentleman, or pink-pated paterfamilias, (his scalp’s appearance depending, no doubt, on the amount of aggravation you and your siblings have heaped on that saintly man’s now slumping shoulders over the years since your respective births), will smile benevolently, and remark:
“Just knowing you care is gift enough.”
Well, don’t buy that.
You’ve got other stuff to buy.
That’s because “just knowing you care” is nowhere near gift enough.
Cars, pleasure boats and vacation trips to Cancun approach being gifts enough.
For while mom deserves her due, what with going through nine months of pregnancy, labor pains, the ordeal of actually giving birth and blah, blah, blah, it’s dad who had to listen to her complain about nine months of pregnancy, labor pains and the ordeal of actually giving birth blah, blah, blah.
And does anyone sympathize with dad’s prepartum-related plights?
Does anyone realize he had to sit for hours in the maternity ward waiting room with only dated People magazines to read? I mean, an article about Sean Connery being named the sexiest man alive at age 59 can only hold your interest for so long.
And what about the vending machine food selections that poor man had to endure while waiting for your mom to stop dilly-dallying and give birth to you and your brothers and sisters? There was never any fresh fruit and the trail mix was inevitably stale.
Or how about the waiting room’s communal TV? No cable movies, no SportsCenter, no in-your-face HBO series fare, just hour after hour of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman" reruns and infomercials on electric food dehydrators that will revolutionize your kitchen.
You don’t know about all the troubles this strong-yet-caring, quiet-yet-wise man has seen because dad doesn’t want to burden you with his travails.
So now it’s time to say thank you by burdening him with all manner of designer clothing, expensive bling-bling, and inflation-besting gold bullion.
And don’t be afraid of bestowing upon the man who helped bring you into the world, good, old-fashioned greenbacks.
In a subtle switch on a familiar lyric (Beatles version):
You’re lovin’ gives dad a thrill
But your lovin’ don’t pay his bills
Now give him money
That’s what he wants
That’s what he wants, oh yeah
That’s what he wants
So, pony up for pops.
He’s good people.
Frank Mulligan is an editor in GateHouse Media New England’s Plymouth, Mass., office, and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.