I decided to go to our nearby State Park to get some peace and quiet in these last few dog days of summer. The day couldn’t have been more beautiful: not too hot with blue skies above and a nice gentle breeze. I knew this because the person just five feet from me was shouting into his cell phone giving a play-by-play description of the weather conditions.

“IT’'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY,” he shouted. "NOT TOO HOT WITH BLUE SKIES ABOVE AND A NICE GENTLE BREEZE...AND.”

In front of me a woman sitting on a bench with a cell phone device stuck in her ear was yakking away to someone on the other end: “She didn’t. No, she DIDN’T. She DID? Really? Are you SERIOUS? She did NOT. She DID? No way! She DID NOT. She ..."

And so on.

This woman, I noticed, had two children swimming in the lake. I found myself watching them because I knew she was not. Some giant Loch Ness-type monster could have swallowed them whole and this woman would not have known the difference.

Or if she had, she’d have said, “Listen I’ve got to go because a big fish just ... No! She didn’t! She DID?”

And next to me the play-by play man would have said: "... AND A LONG WEIRD SERPENT JUST ATE TWO KIDS, AND I’M GETTING A LITTLE HOT, AND STARTING TO SWEAT, I JUST ATE A HOT DOG FOR LINCH, AND ..."

Back in the day the major irritation in public places was the self-centered jerks with a boom box cranked to the max. But at least you knew where these idiots were. Now you have no idea if the person you are next to will suddenly pop out their little phone and start their incessant babbling.

You could settle in near what looks like a person catching a few zzzz’s or maybe in a coma and ... PING PING RINGY DINGY, PING PING RINGY DINGY! Suddenly the unconscious body sits up and says, “Hello? Oh hi! I’m at the park just relaxing! Yes! It’s
very peaceful and quiet! Very relaxing! What he DIDN’T! He did? No ..."

You never hear these loud cell-phoners getting urgent calls. “Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Anderson. Oh, hello, Dr. Curtis. You’re doing an appendectomy and you did what? No, that’s the liver, don’t remove THAT! You didn’t? Uh Oh! Now listen very, very
carefully ..."

There is hope, however. A couple of big-name companies have developed devices that jam cell phone signals. My idea would be to have these devices jam the cell phones, then broadcast a signal that causes every cell phone in the immediate area to play the
Bobby Goldsboro song “Honey” over and over and over.

If you don’t remember the song, and I hope for your sake you don’t, here’s a quick reminder of some of the lyrics: “She wrecked the car and she was sad; And so afraid that I’d be mad, but what the heck; Tho’ I pretended hard to be; Guess you could say she saw through me; and hugged my neck.”

Now that would be a true payback and give cell phone abusers second thoughts. Wouldn’t that be just too wonderful for words?

Unfortunately, there is a problem. Some lousy outfit called the Federal Communications Commission has declared that these jamming devices are illegal to use in the United States. I personally think that stinks. We should all write our Congresspersons and tell them to stop sexually harassing their interns for a minute and pass a law to legalize these jamming devices, at least in State Parks.

That’s just my opinion.