Recently I was fooling around on the internet, no I didn’t say I was a fool around the internet. Now that I said that, I guess you could make a sound argument for that. I came across and article about life expectancy. It’s hard for a person to know how to make plans for his or her future without some kind information on your expected longevity. So, in order to become more informed and know how I personally was doing in that regard, I investigated further.

I mean you don’t know whether to buy those top-of-the-line set of tires with the expensive rims for your second car for instance or not. Or whether to sell that second car and take your dream vacation to the Isle of Capri. You want to clear as many things off your Bucket List as you can, don’t you? In looking at some insurance tables of longevity and reading the article, I thought I might have some important insights for my future. Unfortunately, however, these tables put out by the insurance industry are not only depressing, they are extremely confusing as well.

Here are some of the signs, as I understand it, by which you can tell whether you are headed for an extended ripe old age or a quick slide into the final surprise: If you are stoop shouldered with an exceptionally long neck, with a tendency to fall over backward, you probably will not live past 60. If you are fat, short, and unfriendly to strangers, every year past 45 years should be
considered a gift. If you are working in an occupation which keeps you outdoors, like a lumberjack, are above average in height, you should expect to live at least ten years past 70, provided you don’t hold the chain saw by the wrong end. People who have grandparents who are long lived but live with those same grandparents will usually shoot themselves before the age of 48. If you wear a beanie cap with a propeller, are 25 pounds overweight and under 4 foot 6 inches tall and bite people on the shins as they pass by, you’re lucky if you make it to the age of 12. If you have thin thighs but short puffy ankles and live a rather worry-free life-style, you will likely live until you say “when”.

The best place to be on the life expectancy tables, if you want to live to be 100, is to be 6 feet tall, weigh close to 175 pounds, avoid diabetes, and a starchy diet. You also have to keep your parents and grandparents alive at gun point if necessary. Another way is to just take that vacation to the Isle of Capri and forget about it.