Apparently, there are still many men out there who never learned the unwritten code regarding proper behavior in a public restroom. Whereas the home bathroom is a private sanctuary in which men all over America can catch up on the latest sports news, contemplate life or sing the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the top of their lungs without consequences, the public restroom on the other hand has a strict code of conduct passed down from our forefathers.
First of all, there is a problem that guys face when they go into a public restroom that the opposite sex does not. When women go into a restroom, they have the privacy of stalls, but guys have to do it while standing out in the open with many other guys standing around.
This can be tricky because urinating is very much associated with masculinity.
My point is that the need to excrete has significance for guys way beyond the mere elimination of body fluids. It is an important territorial statement. In an ideal world, in order to not infringe on each other's territories, urinals would be located a minimum of 50 feet apart.
Unfortunately, at a Broncos game for example, the urinals are right next to each other, which means a guy might have to make a split-second strategic urinal decision.
So, when faced with your choice of urinals, always take the one at the very end that is farthest from the door. This is just common courtesy, allowing all later arrivals and possible "emergency" users to choose a closer one.
The most important public restroom rule – a rule above all other rules – never ever take a urinal right next to someone unless it is absolutely unavoidable. For example, if a bathroom has six urinals, and one and three are taken, you may precede to numbers five or six. Two and four are off limits until the restroom reaches critical mass. Most guys in a critical mass situation will choose to go into an enclosed stall or wait until there’s a buffered urinal available.
Also, never ever make eye contact. This protects user anonymity. If you never saw the dude who had a nightmare of a time in stall three, then you won't care when you high-five him 20 minutes later when your team scores a touchdown.
Never look to the side! Not even if you think Peyton Manning is standing next to you calling an audible. This is punishable by death, or at least a lifetime ban from using public restrooms. The only acceptable places to look are down or straight ahead.
And finally, no talking, ever! If you can only remember two rules, make this one of them. Better yet, don't make any noise at all. Let's pretend we're ninjas.
I’m sure that many women think I’m making all these rules up, but just ask the guy in your life and I bet he will nod in recognition. He knows the behavior and the rules I describe, but he has never felt comfortable discussing the subject with you. Also, he knows it’s stupid.