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OPINION

High: Those who don’t know their history will repeat themselves

David High

I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but I definitely am starting to feel a strong voter vibe for me to become involved as an unaffiliated presidential candidate (Motto: “It’s Time We Demanded Less!”). 

Every day, I feel more and more voters could turn toward me. Granted, they immediately turn away and belch, but that is not the point. The point is that I’m getting attention, and I’m getting it without the negative campaigning and cheap-shot name-calling you’re hearing from my dirt bag slime ball opponents. One candidate went so far as to say Trump looked like he had a squirrel on his head. Even though that is a fairly accurate description it’s probably going too far.

How strong is my candidacy? Let’s just take a look at the following numbers for me from early primary results (These numbers have a margin of error of three-tenths of an inch): Iowa – 0, New Hampshire - 0, Delaware – 0, Arizona – 0, and New York - 0. These are similar to numbers put up by Kanye West an Independent Candidate. You don’t have to be whacked over the head with a convention gavel to see the significance of these numbers.

Why are Kanye Weston on even terms and I so well thought of? In a quote from former president George Bush “the answer can be summed up in one word ‘The Issues.’” Here is where I stand on some of those issues as of 3:45 a.m. yesterday when I awoke with an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom:

COMMUNICATION INDUSTRY

On my first day in office I would put all other Congressional business on hold and ask them to pass a law banning all singing commercials.  

CRIME

You can call me courageous if you want, but I am against crime. I favor the death penalty for everything, including zoning violations. In the case of really, really bad criminals especially murderers and whoever is responsible for putting ketchup in those little packets they give you at fast-food restaurants – I support a massive government project to develop a way to bring them back to life after being executed, so we can execute them again.

THE BUDGET DEFICIT

For far too long, politicians have been sugar coating the truth about the deficit, telling us only what they think we want to hear. Well, I say it’s time we act like grown-ups and face the music. If you really want to know who’s responsible for the deficit, go to the mirror, look yourself straight in the eye and say: “I’m sure as hell not responsible!” Of course you’re not! Neither am I! I was playing miniature-golf with

Rudy Giuliani at the time.

TAXES

A lot of my opponents have been going around spouting harebrained “pie in the sky” tax schemes that promise something for nothing. Well I say it’s time for a reality check. I favor a practical, financially sound, two pronged “flat-tax” system as follows: Prong One – Everybody would pay less. Prong Two – I personally would pay nothing.

My sound fiscal policy planning along with my knowledge of our countries history, and the fact that I will have much more tax-free money to spend I think gives me the winning formula. 

I feel very strongly that knowledge of our history is an essential attribute for anyone to be a great leader. And speaking of history, it has come to my attention that I am a stupid idiot because in a recent column I supposedly attributed the statement, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” to Pee-Wee Herman. This statement, as we all know, was made by Franklin D. Roosevelt, the inventor of the Cotton Gin. 

David High

David High is a columnist for the Fowler Tribune.